Sweeney Todd at Campus Mental Society
by valley of the dead oaks
Summary: When Sweeney Todd ends up at my school ... Campus Mental Society. Along with the Mad Hatter, Edward Cullen, Bellatrix, Mrs. Lovett, and Willy Wonka. COMPLETE!
1. Sweeney Todd, new teahcer

Sweeney Todd had just finished killing another one of his poor victims. It made him happy to kill people, but that's because he has **PROBLEMS**. However, just as he flipped the customer into the meat grinder, the walls of his barbershop melted away and were replaced with…

"Hey dude. Rad hair." A deep voice interrupted Sweeney Todd's thoughts. He turned around to see some crusty grad student with a tattoo on his face. "You _must_ be the new duuuuude."

"New dude?" gasped Sweeney. He was having trouble breathing because, frankly, the guy stank.

"For Campus Mental Society? Come on, pal." The guy grabbed Sweeney's arm and dragged him along. If Sweeney had had one of his razors, and hadn't been overwhelmed by the smell, Tattoo Guy would have been lying on the sidewalk with his throat slit centuries ago.

Tattoo Guy dragged poor Sweeney down a flight of red stairs into a school with really gross blue carpets.

"Who is this?" asked someone.

"Your new teacher! He'll be teaching after school."

Sweeney Todd just looked at Tattoo Guy weird and sighed. "More meat pies," he said under his breath.

"OMG! IT'S … IT'S … SWEENEY FREAKING TODD!" screamed a girl with dark brown hair.

"I want to see your blade razor! And eat a meat pie!" said a girl with blonde hair.

"OMG. Sweeney. Mr. Todd. I want a hug!" said the girl with brown hair. Before Todd could do anything, she hugged him tightly.

"GROUP HUG!" screamed the other girl, and Sweeney Todd was covered in children.

"I see you are accepted as a new teacher!" said Tattoo Guy, and he dashed off before Sweeney could strangle him.


	2. REALLY short chapter

**THE RIDICULOUSLY SHORT CHAPTER BECAUSE I COULD NOT THINK OF ANY THING ELSE**

"Time for classes!" a voice belted out of the blue.

Sweeney Todd was whacked repeatedly over the head with a crane. "You are keeping my students from their rightful destiny!" howled a crusty old lady.

"NOOOOOO! Don't hit Mr. Todd!" shrieked the brunette.

"YEAH!" yelled the blonde.

"Mrs. Bonehead, shouldn't you be in class to?" said the fist girl.

"How dare you speak to me in that disrespectful tone! I kill you for that! Brianna!" Mrs. Bonehead shook her cane and toppled over.

**I really need to make this chapter longer, so I'll write a disclaimer. Since I forgot to last time. **

** Me, Myself, and I own nothing. Because I am giving it all to you the public. Now people should review out of gratefulness that I am giving them a serial killer. I'm so nice, aren't I? **


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own anything except for my idea and this disclaimer. I don't own my school, or Sweeney Todd. Or Harry Potter. And that's sad, because I could have been rich if I owned Harry Potter. **

** Chapter Three hopefully not so short**

Bellatrix Lestrange was sitting in her sister's house thinking about Voldemort. His shiny bald head, crusty toenails, and flattened nose. He's absolutely dreamy; any woman would chose him.

But then it hit her; Voldemort didn't like her. Not at all, really. She knew, then and there (and none to soon) that she needed to find a new man.

Just as she stood up, the Malfoy Manor disappeared and she was staring into this dude's eyes. The guy had a really great hair job (black with a white streak) and beautiful eyes (I don't know what color his eyes where because I have never looked into Sweeney Todd's eyes).

"Not you!" he moaned.

"I've never seen you before, disgusting muggle."

"Stop acting crazy!"

"I'm not acting crazy! HOW DARE YOU INSULT A PUREBLOOD WITCH!"

"YOU ARE CRAZY!" Sweeney shouted.

"Mr. Todd? Why are you yelling?" Mrs. Lovett walked in. How she got here, I don't know. Artistic license I guess.

Bellatrix and Mrs. Lovett looked at each other.

"Why does this filthy muggle look like me?" said Bellatrix.

"Filthy? I am NOT filthy! And here you are trying to steal Mr. Todd from me and insult me as well?"

_**TO BE CONTINUED….**_

I


	4. longest chapter so far

**Isn't one disclaimer a story enough? BTW *SPOILERS FOLLOW* Some of the events in this story will be real events at my school. Mrs. Bonehead was based off the idea of one teacher, but otherwise, all the teachers are OCs doomed for meat pies. At my school, there's a preschool in the same building. Rosie joked that the preschoolers where scary, so I had her get kidnapped by them in the story. The reason this chapter is in first person was because I find it difficult to write in third person (weird, I know) It used to be that everything I wrote was in third person ….**

**Chapter 4**

**CONTINUED….**

(Principal's POV)

I walked in the room to see the three weirdest people ever. The first was a woman wearing an old-fashioned dress with the corset on the outside, the second was a man with two black eyes and skunk hair, but I'll need a second sentence to describe the third. He … she …. _IT _had hair sticking up every direction and was waving around a stick that would periodically flash green when they shrieked strange words.

"I thought," sobbed the first woman, and the rest of her sentence was drowned out through her tears, "I even brought you your razors!" she howled.

Skunk hair's face brightened. "You did?" He looked the happiest a serial killer can.

"You're leaving me for her though," she cried.

"Mrs. Lovett; I would not leave you for her." said Skunk Hair. "Because I would be far worse off," he muttered under his breath.

"Oh Mr. Todd," said the Mrs. Lovett lady (she obviously didn't hear the second comment). She threw her arms around him.

"Stupid muggles. How is it muggles get along far better than witches and wizards?"

I had been wondering what on earth Mrs. Lovett meant by razors, but the Its' comment had me snap out of my daze. "Witches and Wizards?"

"Aren't they both human?" questioned an anonymous voice.

"ARRGHH! NOT AGAIN! I'VE TAKEN EVERY PILL FOR TWO MONTHS NOW! THEY SAID I WAS GETTING BETTER! BUT NOW THE VOICES KEEP COMING BACK!" I bellowed.

"Uh, what do you mean by that?" asked yet ANOTHER voice.

I turned and saw a girl with light brown hair and another girl with dark brown hair – Brianna and Elissa. Brianna was drinking tea (I'll have to give her a detention for that) and Elissa was holding a chocolate bar with the tips of her fingers (That'll be Elissa's first detention).

"Where did you get those?" I asked, choosing to ignore Elissa's question.

"From these weirdos with Tattoo Guy. But I want to know what you mean by 'the voices' and 'my pills'." replied Brianna, taking another sip of tea.

"Who where these weirdos with Tattoo Guy?" I ignored the question about my sanity again.

"They were real weirdos – in fact, they where crazier than Brianna!" Elissa began.

"YOU HAVEN'T ANSWERED THE QUESTION!WHAT PILLS!" Brianna yelled suddenly. She must have an unusually short attention span.

"Miss Coulter!" I said strictly.

Brianna dumped the last of her tea on me.

Just before I could condemn the unruly student, Tattoo Guy dashed in. "Three new teachers! Can you believe it!" He yanked in three people.

The first person looked like a creeper.

The second one looked like a creeper wearing eye makeup.

The third was a blonde teenager wearing a blue dress.

"Who are they? And, uh, more importantly, who are you?" I asked Tattoo Guy.

"Me? Who am me?" Tattoo Guy laughed nervously. "Just, aah, call me Tim – I MEAN BOB! Heh. Heh."

"So. Tim I Mean Bob," Brianna began in a creepy voice.

"It's Tim, Just Tim – ARRGH I MEAN BOB!" Tattoo Guy stuttered.

Brianna rolled her eyes. "Tim-Just-Tim-Arrgh-I-Mean-Bob, are these people qualified to be teachers?"

"Maybe not him," said Tattoo Guy, pointing to the first creeper, who said in a REALLY gay voice "What do you mean?"

Brianna looked around the room.

"um, not to interrupt or anything, but whose see Rosie?"

Everyone stared at her blankly.

"Wha - ? But that, that means she's been kidnapped by the preschoolers!"


	5. Chapter 5 what else could it be?

**Chapter 5 The truth about preschoolers…**

** Back in third person. The puking scene was my brother's idea.**

Brianna looked at everyone in desperation.

"Uh, are you _sure _it was the preschoolers?" asked Tattoo Guy – or, as ahd just been revealed, TIM/BOB.

"OF COURSE! WHERE DID YOU THINK MISSING PENS AND SUBSTITUTE TEACHERSGO!" Brianna was hoping up and down and hyperventilating.

"SOMEBODY GET HER A PAPER BAG!" Tattoo Guy shouted.

Elissa dashed off and returned in 2 seconds flat. Brianna promptly puked in it.

"EWWWWW," said the one creeper. I mean Willy Wonka.

"We could go look for Rosie," Alice suggested.

"LOVELY IDEA!" Brianna puked again.

Elissa stopped in one of the classrooms on our way to the preschool. "Allison?"

"AHHHHHHH!" Brianna screamed. "Another kidnapping!"

"The Hatter is missing!" exclaimed Alice.

"And so is Willy Wonka." said Tim-Bob.


	6. JimmyJohn sandwiches have much muchness

**Chapter 6 Jimmy John's sandwiches have much muchness**

As it turned out, the preschoolers had just finished eating Willy Wonka when Brianna, Elissa, Alice, Tim/Bob, Mrs Lovett, and Sweeney Todd arrived (Bellatrix was on Campus looking for a date). Apparently, Rosie had baked him into the worst meat pie in America. After convincing the preschoolers that Rosie and Allison weren't interested in cannibalism, the Mad Hatter was still missing.

"I hope he hasn't been eaten as well!" said Alice, twisting her hands nervously.

"If you ate something like that, you would start to act curiouser and curiouser." said TimBob.

Alice didn't appreciate the joke.

**Same time, Jimmy Johns **

"Next!" said the Jimmy Johns dude.

The Mad Hatter walked up. "I've been considering things that start with the letter m," began the Mad Hatter.

"Monopoly, Mayonnaise, Marmalade, meat pies, malice, moron, macaroni, machete, machinery, magazine, magic, magnet, mahogany, Maine, malaria, mammoth, marigold, menu, maroon, mentor, memorandum, metropolis. Mental." The Jimmy Johns dude (whose name was Max) said.

"Muchness!" said the Hatter.

"What's that?" asked Max. "Something Jimmy Johns sandwiches have?"

"They do? Can I have one?"

"For eight bucks, dude."

"Would you give it to me for a hat instead?" asked the Hatter. He had no idea what money was.

Max looked around. "Okay. The Boss won't like it, but I need a hat."

So the mad hatter made a hat in about three seconds, which is exactly as long as it takes to make a Jimmy Johns sandwich.

**So now we all know that if you eat a Jimmy John's sandwich, you get some muchness. Of course, there are other ways to get muchness. Such as killing dragons and sky diving. **


	7. Chapter 7 a flashback

**Chapter 7 a flashback **

**I thought I had already uploaded this…guess not anyway THANK YOU REVIEWERS! :) **

"We must find the hatter!" said Alice.

"I'm in no hurry," Brianna replied.

"HOLD ON!" Todd shouted. Everyone turned around quickly.

"Erm, yes?" Tim/Bob said nervously (Sweeney Todd IS a serial killer, after all. One can't be to cautious).

"I want to know what has happened since I came here."

"Oh, well, you, uh, came here, presumably dropping your razors on the way." explained Elissa.

"Then I was brought to your school by a lunatic," said Todd.

"Asylum, You where brought to our asylum by a lunatic." corrected Brianna.

"Then your teacher, presumably also a lunatic, started to beat me with her cane."

"And you'll have to know the dark truth about our school to understand the next part." Brianna said softly.

"This story is getting longer and more complicated by the second," complained Tim/Bob.

"Do shut up," said Alice and Brianna at the same time.

"I guess we'd have to tell you someday," said Brianna.

"WADDAYAH MEAN SOMEDAY? I AINT STAYIN'!" hollered Tim/Bob.

"Fine," Brianna glared at him. "There are three people at our asylum; Popular Girl, Annoying Blonde, and … Wannabe."

"I don't know why they were accepted in – they clearly aren't crazy." said Elissa.

"Neither are you and Allison – really the only TRUE crazy people here are me and Rosie. It's extraordinarily amazingly fantastical that I have a _crazy _friend." said Brianna.

"Will you _please _get on with the story?" asked Alice, who was becoming truly annoyed.

"Oh, right. Sorry. So they knocked you unconscious with their text books Mr. Todd, and then shut you in the boiler room." continued Brianna.

"I don't think that was a boiler room," said Mrs. Lovett.

"Actually you're right; it's the sewage room."

"That's also known as TMI," said Tim/Bob.

"Hey, she asked," replied Brianna.

**Will Alice find the mad hatter? (yes) Will Rosie return? (yes) Will Bellatrix get that date? (…) **

**Find out in chapter 8 coming soon**


	8. Chap8 Edward arrives and quickly leaves

**Chapter 8 Edward arrives **

**Sorry Edward fans**

Edward was putting glittery hair gel through his hair (you didn't think it stood up by itself, did you?) when his bath room mirror melted away. He was standing in front of the surprised Alice, Mrs. Lovett, and Sweeney Todd, as well as the not-so-surprised Elissa, Brianna, and Tim. Edward had actually ended up kissing Sweeney Todd instead of his own reflection which was one reason he himself was frightened. "Who are you people?" he gasped. "None of you are my Bella…"

"I'm Alice Kingsley. Pleased to meat you," said Alice curtsying (she, of course, had no clue who the glittery man was, so greeted him politely.

"Oh, are you a vampire to?" asked Edward. He was glad someone was from near his time.

"I need another explanation," Sweeney Todd said, his voice becoming dangerous.

"He's a lunatic in body glitter. I think that explains it." said Brianna.

**In Campus Mental Society**

Rosie was sitting at an abandoned desk reading 'National Enquirer' or I think that's what it's called.

'Due to undercooked meat pies, there will be a zombie apocalypse in New York City from 530 p.m. to 1 at night. Predicted by crazed psychic,' said the article.

Rosie glanced at the clock. If she left now, she could make it there before all the action was gone. She hoped they where selling postcards.

"Brian – nA! There's supposed to be a zombie apocalypse this evening in New York!" Rosie turned the corner of a campus park to find a small group of people. Strangely familiar people.

"He killed Mr. Todd!" wailed Mrs. Lovett.

"I know how to take revenge on that sparkling piece of ****," whispered Brianna, picking up the shiny razor from the ground. "Elissa, could you please buy a pack of matches? And Tim, I mean Bob, go buy me a pack of box wine. Alice, go find the hatter."

Everyone looked at her strange.

"What about Mr. Todd? Revenge isn't enough to bring someone back to life," pointed out Elissa.

"I have an idea for that to," Brianna replied quickly. "Now go! Get the supplies! And the Hatter!"

Everyone scattered off, scared by the urgency in her voice.

"What about that zombie apocalypse?" Rosie asked.

"I'll have my friend buy you a postcard and the evening paper."

"Your friend?"

"Yep! He's a roach."

"Whoa. I thought you were over rude, annoying guys. Remember Kyle Hamburger, Jacy Penney?"

"NO! HE'S A ROACH as in the BUG," shouted Brianna. "And how did you know about Kyle?"

"By the way, how are you going to kill Edward?" questioned Rosie. Way to change the subject. Two could play that game, but not today.

"I'll use this, beautiful, shiny, sharp, not-to-be-used-by-children razor to rip him apart and burn him."

"Oh." after a pause, "Why can't we make him into a meat pie?"

"ARGRHH"

"…Huh?"

"Because the pieces would reconnect."

"Oh. Right."

"Boxed wine is sooooooo cheap!" announced the arriving Tim-Bob. Following him was Elissa with a box of safety matches … and Alice and the Hatter.

"Good." Brianna cracked her knuckles and cackled. "Now start a fire."

Tim-Bob shrugged and threw the [remaining] wine into a puddle, and Elissa struck a match to it.

Just then, however, two nerds with buck teeth and granny spectacles walked up. "Hey, this isn't Central Park," said one.

"Yeah. I know it ain't. Which means there is no New York Swat team to protect you, is there?" replied Rosie.

The nerds ran away, followed by Edward.

"No need to burn him then," said Elissa, relieved she didn't have to watch a butchering.

"Now all that remains is the revival of Mr. Todd," said Mrs. Lovett.

end Chapter 8

Up Next: Alison in Wonderland

-Wonderland or Underland?

-Questioning the white Queen's Justice

-Return to the upperworld

Followed by: A Message from our President

-Economy is boring


	9. Chapter 9 Part 1 Allison in Wonderland

eChapter 9 Allison in Wonderland (The one, the only, eChapter)

**I'm sorry it's so late! I just got (really) off track. I'm so sorry. *bows* Thank you to everyone who reviewed and favorite this! And sorry Allison. And everyone who wants to marry Johnny Depp. Who, by the way is 46. Seems a bit over your heads (cough cough).**

INTERMISSION: WE INTURPT THIS MESSAGE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU PROBABLY DON'TGIVE A [censored] ABOUT, BUT WE FIND INTERESTING!

"Hello, my name is - "

*Click*

Allison changed the channel. She had just been getting into Justin Bieber; The Truth behind His Relationship to Spaghetti Cat. _Ahh, well. OOH! OOH!_ A Day in the Life of Zac Efron! This was an acclaimed musical by Samantha –

ONCE AGAIN, WE INTURPT YOUR PROGRAM. THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE CONTAINS DESCRIPTIVE INFORMATION THAT WILL BE DISTURBING TO SOME VIEWERS –

*Click*

_Hmm_, thought Allison. _Probably a gang murder. Yeck_.

"And Logan Lerman, how do you keep your skin so clear?"

"GIMMEDATREMOTE!" Kristine and Anna (Allison's little sister) flew across the room in the direction of the television.

Brianna looked up from where Sweeney Todd had been dumped by Mrs. Lovett, Tim/Bob, and Elissa.

"Pipe down, the lot of you. I'm 'avin' a real 'ord tyme adam an' even'1 this as it is." She remarked in a cockney accent.

"Brianna, what happened?"asked Anna.

"Oy 'avent a clue."

"Hick." Yelled a girl as she ran past**2**

Allison sighed and turned back to the tv.

INTERMISSIO –

*Click*

"Well, Mr. Burton, I have a feeling you and Mr. Depp aren't telling the truth about your relationship," said an interviewer. She was a pale woman, pale here meaning "her mustache and unibrow hairs were far more prominent than if her color had been natural"**3 **.

"I guess it's time for the supercrew," snapped the woman when her words had only prompted Johnny Depp and Tim Burton to scoot their chairs a little bit farther from each other.

"Let me see this!" Brianna shoved Allison out of the chair.

A couple minutes later, two young women ran in panting.

"Why are you _late_?" snapped the interviewer.

"Today, we, took the bus," wheezed the first girl.

"And _I _robbed a bank." Said the second one smugly.

Cricket, cricket.

"LAUGH!" she shrieked, whipping out a gun and pointing at the audience.

Screams of terror broke the air.

"That's good enough." The armed minor twirled the gun like Jango Fet and slid it in her pocket.

"That was a scream." The idiot interviewer pointed out an overly obvious fact.

"No! They were screaming my NAME!"

"Your name?"

"My name is a NAME of TERROR!"

"Uhm, okay?" the woman (whose name was Judy) rolled her eyes. "And here I thought that the super interviewers names were Une and Due."

"Just, you know what, get lost old man."

"Old man? But, I'm a woman. And I'm _young_."

Super interviewer number 2 (Due) turned to Judy with eyes as large as a doe's (or saucers) and said, "But, you have a beard."

Judy gasped.

"And a unibrow, honey."

Judy lifted her arm to feel the space between her eyebrows. I mean, the middle of her eyebrow.

"No! Don't lift your arm," shrieked Due. "UHHH!" she groaned. "Never mind, then. I can still see your armpit hair."

Judy's eyes filled with tears. She ran off the stage crying.

"Wellllll then. Let's get started!" said Une, clapping her hands briskly.

"Sure thing," replied Due, who whipped out an iPod touch and started laughing her as – I mean head off.

"Can I see?" asked Mr. Depp, who got up and was trying to look at the screen.

"[censored] off," said Due, bitch slapping**4** him

"OWW! What was that for?"

"You don't watch your own movies, so I'm assuming you wouldn't watch the footage of you and Tim I got from the security cameras."

Both of the celebrities got 'Oh [censored]' looks on their face when –

ALLISON CUNNIGHAM!

"ALLISON! IT WAS JUST GETTING INTERESTING!" wailed Brianna.

"It's not my fault!" cried Allison. She burst into tears and ran out of the room, down the hall, up the stairs, out the door, and straight into a giant rabbit hole.

Allison was secretly claustrophobic, so she screamed and closed her eyes the entire fall**5**.

When she opened her eyes,

**1 'Adam and Eve' is cockney for 'believe' I hear.**

**2 When I speak in a British dialect, it is in a rather cockney accent, and my friend called me a hick for talking like that. XD**

**3 In the style of Lemony Snickett.**

**4 'Bitch Slap' is the correct term, so I didn't censor it.**

**5 I don't know if Allison is Claustrophobic **


	10. Chapter 9 part 2

ImaxChapter 9 Allison in Wonderland Part 2 (The one, the only, ImaxChapter)

When Allison opened her eyes, it was all dark. Suddenly, spotlights popped out of nowhere (and turned on). Oh no! They'd found her! "It is a federal crime to own a blankie when you are past 3 years of age! Come out with your hands in the air!" a voice boomed.

Allison woke up screaming and in a cold sweat. It was just a dream. There was no one there to steal her blankie and toss her in jail. She sat up, feeling extremely whoozy. _Whoa_, she thought. _I must have fallen asleep in the kitchen._ Due to the fact her head was spinning, Allison most likely didn't notice that the room was cylinder shaped. _At least they left some breakfast for me, _Allison's mind said to her mind as she got up and tottered towards the glass table. She snatched up the bottle of liquid. _Just like Anna to eat all the muffins, _Allison thought and downed all the liquid.

"This isn't my kitchen!" Allison exclaimed, looking up. Everything was huge. "Where the [censored] am I?" she burst into tears again. Then she noticed something else. All of her clothes were huge. Well, some of them still fit.

So, clad in her undies, Allison began to explore her new surroundings. There were really big doors, which, of course, being the size of a field mouse, Allison couldn't open. There was also a red curtain that was CGI-d in. Behind it was a busted open door which was EXACTLY the right size for Allison. Seeing only a green screen on the other side, she walked through . . .

And was/would have been disappointed immediately. All there was in the barren landscape was a pair of blue spectagoggs. "OOOH!" shrieked Allison."My favorite color!" She put them on, not realizing spectagoggs have been highly revamped by secret underground spectagoggs gangs for the past three hundred years.

Everything burst into a whole spectrum starting at blue-gray-red and ending with blue-gray-black, full of the typical whimsical shapes. "I think I've been here before," Allison said. "Once upon a time on an Imax Adventure…"

"You're not Alice," said a voice.

Allison turned around to see an albino guy in a playboy bunny leotard. "No I am not," she announced, trying not to gag. "And you're not the white rabbit."

"You're right. I'm Hugh Hefner's 104th son."

"WUAAGHRRFNKL!" screamed Allison. "BAD MENTAL IMAGRY!"

"Bad memories, you mean."

Allison ran away screaming. When she stopped running, she was in front of a large table. _Ha! _Allison thought. _Think you can defeat me that way, eh? _

She started to climb the tablecloth, which was actually pulling it down ever so slightly and was soon showered with silver and china.

"Oy! Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk!" cackled a voice. A scraggly unidentified animal popped its head over the edge of the table and took a snort of whatever was in its hand (drugs). "Yer neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…!" It howled, then hiccupped some more.

Another animal joined in. "'Ere, 'ave my clothes," said the mouse, stripping/removing the unnecessary pieces of cloth because mice ALREADY HAVE FUR and tossing them down to Allison.

"Oh thank you!" Despite the fact that the clothes smelled like catnip and there was an eyeball strapped to the side, the clothes fit like a leather motorcycle glove.

"OOOO, muy guapa," said Allison in a perfect imitation of her perverted Spanish teacher's gravelly voice. Little did Allison know that the 'mirror' she was looking into was a pinup picture of the real Alice. Property of the Mad Hatter.

**I'm sorry to rail on Tim Burton, but he's getting old. I had HIGHLY mixed feelings about 'Alice in Wonderland'. Like the Mad hatter. IT WAS SO HARD TO GET HIM IN CHARACTER! GRRRRR. And sorry if my writing sucks. I have writer's block, which is leading to a slight depression.**


	11. Chapter 9 Part 3

Blue ray Chapter 9 Allison in Wonderland Part 3 Questioning the White Queen's Judgement (the one, the only, blue ray chapter! :D)

Allison found that being the size of a gerbil was not very fun, so she was instantly delighted when she ran across a house. "OOH!" she said. "A newspaper!"

Lead Host of 'Futterwacken Your Fat Off' and Alleged Girlfriend Missing

"Hmmm," she mused aloud, "Futterwacken your fat off, eh? I've never seen that show. Is it on cable or something?"

Suddenly, a dodo bird walked by and tripped on Allison. "Watch it, fatso!" snapped Allison. She ran after it and hoped onto the bird's leg, clinging on tightly as the bird screeched and tried to scratch her off. "Give up you fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The dodo twisted itself to get a better look at his leg. "Why, you're Alice!" and he started running towards the White Queen's castle.

"NOOO! I'm Allison!" the girl shrieked.

~~~ Intermission ~~~

FEEL FREE TO GET YOUR CUPCAKES NOW! :D

~~~ Back to the story ~~~

"Your Majesty," said the dodo, bowing deeply. "I have found Alice." He swung his leg forward, hurling Allison onto the ground in front of the white queen.

The White Queen leaned forward. "You're a bit small."

"I knew Anna did something to that orange juice!"Allison squeaked.

"I know just the thing!" exclaimed the queen. She reached in her pocket and pulled out something. "Buttered fingers!" The queen held it up to her nose and breathed deeply. "AAAH, refreshing."

"ALLISON!" came a voice from above.

"God?" Said Allison. "You're a woman?"

"WAS THAT YOU, ALLISON?" came another voice.

"Elissa? Are you dead?" replied Allison.

Back in the world as we know it ...

"Allison needs to hurry up," snapped Brianna, glaring at the pocket watch, which seemed more interested in dripping tea than telling the correct time.

A head popped up over the edge of the rabbit hole. "THAT QUEEN WAS A LUNATIC!"

"ALLISON!" Elissa helped the now normal sized girl out of the rabbit hole and back onto solid Overland soil.

TO BE CONTINUED IF YOU REVIEW

No pressure.


	12. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 (so epic, it doesn't have a title)

Allison and Elissa started walking to the school, but Brianna hung back. "Wait a minute," she muttered. The clock stopped ticking."All of this has happened in one school day."

"It's alright!" Elissa said. "We still have afterschool!"

"Eurukadabra!" shouted Brianna. "Let's cook the teachers!"

They took off on a wild dash down the stairs (which turned into more of a wild fall) and crashed into/landed on Sweeney Todd. "Hey, Sweeney's okay!" said Allison.

"Yep. That one teacher came in and started shouting about homework and kicked him in the gut and he woke up," replied Brianna.

"And he kind of went berserk and pulled out a razor," added Elissa, making a face.

Allison opened her mouth to ask what happens next, but stopped and sniffed the air. "What's that glorious smell pervading the air?"

"Rosie knows how to cook pie," said Brianna and Elissa in unison. "Remember Willy Wonka?" added Elissa.

"MRF!"

"What was that?" asked Brianna.

"Did someone fart?"

"MRF WFPH HEH MURF OMFP MEH!"

"Oh, hi Sweeney!" said Allison.

"What's Sweeney doing here?" ask Brianna. Her eyes widened with realization and she answered her own question. "We totally forgot about him. Oops."

"Yes, you did," snapped Sweeney, standing up and brushing off his clothes.

"Oops. Well, gotta go. Don't want Rosie to burn something." Brianna dashed off yelling "!"

"We better go to," said Elissa. "Come on, Allison! You to, Mr. Todd."

They started off down the hallway to see a disco light and people doing weird dance moves.

"You're some bee, retain the melody! So come on dance send me cheerios Japan eat a hand, I'm yours only yours is no lie Misa in de club say I'm not afraid of dancin'!" blasted the music from surround sound speakers in the middle of the room.

"WHAT HAPPENED HERE!" bellowed Allison.

"KATIRA WAS LISTENING TO THE CARAMELDANSEN WHEN SHE DISCOVERED THE SCHOOL'S –" Elissa paused and coughed from shouting, "MONEY SO SHE BOUGHT ALL THIS."

"EVEN THE DANCERS?"

"SPEAK UP!"

Sweeney sighed and walked on. The smell of Rosie's pie was good, but before he could notice anything else, he walked into a man who smelled like he bathed in man perfume. "Hello," the guy said in a deep throaty voice, and tilted his head. "You new here?" he said, trying to strike up a conversation.

"Maybe…." Said Sweeney, backing away. He squinted at the guy. Hey, maybe he could use a shave. He was just contemplating how to get the guy in his barber chair when . . .

"Hi!" chirped a voice. Willy Wonka skipped up to Sweeney and the guy.

Sweeney shrieked a girlish scream that only the bats in the attic could hear. "What is it?" asked the guy.

"I thought you DIED and where EATEN!" screamed Sweeney, hiding behind Guy.

Guy tilted his head again. "Huh, bet there's a funny story behind all this."

Allison and Elissa ran in and stopped short of running into Willy Wonka. They screamed too.

"I don't understand why everyone is freaking out. It was just an Oompa Loompa in that pie, not the real me. Like I was going to let myself be eaten." said Willy Wonka.

"So you're an Oompa Loompa?" asked Allison.

Rosie was putting the next pie above the campfire in the middle of the room when Brianna ran in. "Yo," said Brianna, making a peace sign. "Got any pies?"

Rosie pointed to a pile of mini pies. Grabbing three, Brianna left.

Edward jogged around the campus park again. He was bored with this life. Where were the sexy, vampire loving chicks? So far he had been attacked by acne covered, drooling creeps screaming "FAIRY!" twice.

Wait, what was this?

HIS

EXFINITY TV

MOMENT

Humans take a dump at least once in their life. Unlike vampires, humans had these special things called potties. And for some reason, every human seemed OBSESSED with them. Like you could find one any practically any building!

He had found his solution.

Edward slinked along the hallway, receiving weird looks. He saw one of the bathroom thingies and burst through the door. A guy using a urinal stared at Edward and the body shaped hole behind him. Edward turned and ran out the hole in the door.

He ran across the hall and into the other bathroom.

"We will get the fairy!" sobbed the over-emotional leader, wiping her eyes with one hand and scratching her head with the other.

"Uhm, leader?" drooled a minion.

The leader sniffed. "What?" she snapped.

"The fairy is here."

Everyone turned around. Edward tightened his grip on the sink.

"GET HIM!" They screamed.

Edward turned around and ran screaming through the gigantic mirror behind him.

Coincedently, Bellatrix needed to take a dump as well. She stood infront of the bathrooms, debating to go in the right one or the left one.

She heard screams and glass shattering (that's what she heard) in the right one, so she ran in. Edward ran back though the mirror followed by even MORE fans from the men's room.

Bella looked at the glittering man and found

HER

XFINITY

TV

MOMENT

Grabbing her wand, she blasted the fans to frikin' smitherins like in the western movies!

Edward turned around. "Why thank you, Miss - ?"

Bellatrix giggled and straightened her hair. "I'm Bellatrix. It's nice to meet you!"

"Bellatrix? That reminds me, this idiot human girl named Bella actually thought I _liked _her." He snorted. "I'm so glad I found you. You're much better."

"How do you know?" asked Bellatrix.

"Because you haven't chased me squealing."

They ended up a good couple. Spoiler alert - they were never nice people, and their vampire-witch children ate more than one wizard at Hogwarts. But they were perfect - for each other.

Brianna ran into the office. "Who likes pie!" She grinned maniaclly and held out the pies.

There were only four teachers left, Mrs. Bonehead had retired, the Principal joined the Society of Unseen Voices, Sweeney had killed two, and all the tutors had run away.

Guy came in and grabbed one. So did two other teachers who aren't important because they all died at that moment. The one teacher left was an extremely nice person, who, fortunatly, was not traumatized from the recent event.

Brianna kicked Allison and Elissa out of the hallway and started tying yellow 'Caution' tape over everything. Popular Girl, Blonde, and Wanna Be walked up the hall to Brianna.

"Like, what are you doing, WalMart clothes?" asked Popular Girl.

"Yeee~aah 3," said Blonde.

"I, uh, I second that!" said Wanna Be.

Blonde and Popular Girl turned to her.

"SHUT. UP." said Popular Girl.

"Yeee~aah 3."

Wanna Be looked away, embarrassed.

"Why do you do what they say?" asked Brianna.

"I asked _you _a question!" snapped Popular.

Brianna picked up a stray razor and started flipping it out and folding back up, her back to Popular. "So, why do you?"

Wanna Be turned red. "B-because I really am Justin Bieber's clone! I was genetically altered to be a female and I escaped! I have to sing for them or they'll turn me in!"

Brianna laughed so hard she dropped the razor. "Lame censoreds," she gasped. She regained her composure. "F them they can sing Justin B. songs themselves. F them you don't give a censored if they turn you in because they're total censoreds."

"And what exactly does 'censored' mean?" asked Wanna, raising an eyebrow.

"There's some censored things it means, a wanna be, a loser, something awesome, anything you want," said Brianna.

"Okay," J.B. clone smirked. "I am now Censored Bieber."

"Cough cough that's what she said," muttered Brianna.

Censored whacked Brianna over the head with a microphone.

"Well, it's cleaning day, so get the word/censored out, you sane freaks!" screamed Brianna, exhibiting her lack of a mind.

Popular Girl and Blonde ran away as fast as their designer platform heels could take them, not because of Brianna's short rant, but because a blood stained Sweeney appeared behind her holding the bodies of their favorite teachers.

"Well, I'm gonna stay here." announced Censored.

"You do that, sweetheart," replied Brianna, nodding over-enthusiasticaly.

"And I'm gonna cut my hair," said Censored.

"What hair?" said Sweeney and Brianna simmaltaniously.

Censored whipped off her hat. A foutain of blonde hair flowed down. Brianna reached for the phone while still watching Censored unfold her hair. "Operator?" she whispered in awe. "I need a hair salonist."

The tone answered, "Welcome to the future, honey. We don't have operators."

Rosie piled the last of the pies onto a plate. She went down the hallway to the feed the preschoolers. She sat the platter on a table and handed out the food, making sure no one went through the line twice.

"Are you into zombie apocolypses?" said a voice.

Rosie turned around, still handing out pies. "Yeah?"

"We need someone to help us with our zombie apocolypses! The more the better!" the speaker was a scruffy dude missing a shoe and covered in banana peels.

"Hey!" said Rosie. "You're the host of 'Trash Cans; ALIVE!"

"Yeah, except now it's 'The Dead; ALIVE!"

"I'm in!" Rosie shook his hand then turned to the evil little children. "Share," she said.

The wigmaker cut 15 wigs worth of hair from Censored before she left, showering them in about 800 gran cash and handing each a $1999 check.

"I like this lady," said Censored.

Rosie ran in, then jumped back and hissed. "One of the Sanes!"

"It's okay!" Brianna waved her hands in Rosie's face. "She's a Justin Bieber clone who had Rapunzel hair we sold for all this money and three checks!"

"Sounds crazy."

"EXACTLY!"

"Well," Rosie cleared her throat. "I came to say, I'm joining 'The Dead; ALIVE!' hosted by a scruff guy with no personal hygiene."

Brianna and Sweeney looked at each other. "I just killed three people." said Sweeney. "I can't cook!" said Brianna.

"Pfft yeah right. You made apple pie for me once. And if you don't want to, Mrs. Lovett can." Rosie hugged Brianna and Sweeney, grabbed her backpack and ran off.

"Speaking of, where is Mrs. Lovett?"

"So, can I call you Eleanor?" asked Tim/Bob.

"Uhm, okay?" said Mrs Lovett.

"Or how about 'Helena'?"

"Erk..."

"Do you believe in reincarnation?"

"You ask a LOT of questions," Mrs Lovett pointed out. "It's been fifty since we came here."

"Who's countin'?" said Tim/Bob in a hick accent he _thought _sounded extremely sexy. Which, FYI, it DIDN'T.

"Why do ask me stuff like this?" cried Mrs Lovett. "I don't know who besides me is counting, I don't know what reincarnation, why do you care what my first name is, and why do you wonder if you can meet my parents?"

Tim/Bob cleared his throat. "Well, Eleanor, I think you might be the one I'm looking for."

"EWWW!" screamed Mrs Lovett. "I'm with Mr. Todd and I think you're disgusting!" She jabbed his in the chest. "For one thing, TAKE A FRIKING BATH!" Jab. "STOP SLEEPING IN THE GUTTER!" Jab. "AND STOP HITTING ON ME!"

She threw her drink over his head and stormed out of the bar.

The dance floor now had been cleared of the speakers and tables set up like a Japanese joint. Katira, Elissa, Allison, and Jazmin had ordered the food, and, with a little help from Anna, Brianna, Censored, and Imari, had set up the food court.

Mrs Lovett stored down the stairs and through the sushi bar, almost crushing a table.

"Hey!" yelled Brianna. "You almost killed the sake!"

"Mr. Todd!" wailed Mrs Lovett.  
"Yeah what?" said Sweeney, not looking up from the meat grinder.

"That ... guy - "

"Which guy?"

"The scruffy one, he"

"The scruffy one who hired Rosie?"

"What? No, Tim/Bob."

"Yeah, what about him?"

"...Never mind."

"Okay."

Mrs. Lovett facepalmed.

Brianna ran in screaming, "THEY'RE COMING!"

"Who?" asked Mrs. Lovett and Sweeney.

"New students! Next year!" Hollered Brianna. 

"Who are they?" asked Mrs. Lovett.

"Let me see," Brianna replied, picking up a list, "Sierra Mist, her boyfriend Pikachu, and ... " Brianna's voice trailed off and her eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"What is it?"

"I-I _know _this person," she stuttered.

"Who?"

"Kristine."

The new student list had been taped to one of the walls, the sushi eaten and the surround sound speakers hidden away. It was the last day.

"Well," said Tim/Bob, looking around the assembled school. There was only Sweeney, Mrs. Lovett, Nice Teacher, Willy Wonka, and the seven students left. "We have three new students next year and are in need of more teachers."

All the students groaned.

"SO," Tim/Bob said, "Sweeney, Nice Teacher, and" eyebrow wiggle "Eleanor, will be staying."

"What about meee~ee?" asked Willy Wonka.

"Your hair sucks, man!" yelled Brianna.

"Uh, well, the preschool teachers have kindly allowed you to work there with out a background check."

"Hey!" yelled Sweeney. "What about us?"

"You're working here, duh?" said Tim/Bob. He clapped his hands briskly and turned to the audience. "So, everyone happy with their new positions?"

Before Sweeney could protest again, Willy Wonka replied, "Gee, that'd be swell."

End/First Year Of Campus Mental Society


End file.
